We are going to the Zoo, Zoo, Zoo, so are you!

By lim peh wrote this

Eversince i have started working, as in officially a career (which i, in fact consider myself lucky to have) and not some stop-gap job earning just only enough to survive minimally (especially when simply just food and transport costs alone can cripple any lifestyle).

My work somehow has consumed me, or seemingly “married” to the job as i heard one of my colleagues mentioned as he lamented the obscene hours of work he puts in, and i can vouch for him as he’s cubicle neighbour. I have never seen him go home before i do. Even on Saturdays. NEVER. He could have been staying in the office, living off free electricity, water and lodging, nobody would know either.

Strangely, i do not hate my job. In fact, i like my job. Maybe certain aspects of it sucks, still the main jobscope, i love it. First few months were simply wonderful, i felt proud, i felt happy, i felt i could do this for the rest of my life. Yes, there were nonsense at the job, people around can’t be 100% nice either (as in many other jobs). Still all the bad stuff didn’t hinder my enjoyment of my job for the first half a year.

Then came the increasing “you need to do this, you need to do that“, “you must do this, then this, then that“. Fighting against other people’s ugly need to neglect and delegate duties. And always some procedures of the work make you wonder - “WHY?“, but all you get is that “stfu face“. Some things can be done better in another method, but everybody wants to do the fail-safe method, play safe. Pander the balls of those above. Crap. Things are not done efficiently, and what frustrates me more is that im in no position to change the stagnant ways of so called “higher educated” colleagues. Still, i do love my job.

Slowly, my job takes its toll on me. I feel tired more often than ever. Mentally. Sometimes physically. But i do not, wake in the morning to complain bout going to work. Somehow i do look forward to going to work, except complaining bout how atrocious the bus timings are and the crowd, since i do not drive. I get to work, feeling lethargic caused by morning peak hour crowd. I get off work, sometimes fighting with the peak hour home crowd as well. These are the moments i wish i drove, even if there were jams, surely i get home faster and less hassle with fellow commuters.

I start to have mild anxiety attacks. I don’t show them. I simply furrow my brows, and think deep, looking for solutions. Sometimes there are none. I put it aside for another day, hoping there’s an answer by tomorrow. Repeat process if neccessary. Tasks and work get done systematically now, clockwork. No time to think, no time to even plan what to eat for lunch. Meals are basically touch and go, eat and get back to work. Even if they say you can have half an hour to have lunch. But they don’t see we workers do not have that luxury. Up there are just blind, as long the numbers are rosy end of the month, nobody wants to revolutionize things.

My regular excercize jaunts are reduced from twice or thrice a week, to maybe once in a fortnight. Friends no longer (or rarely) invite me to play a game of basketball or football. I don’t even see jogging as a replacement. By the time i go off work, i will be so mentally tired, i tend to choose to slack mentally infront of the computer. Even reading the newspaper becomes a chore in the evening, since i no longer have time to read it in the morning as i am always rushing and check-listing if i forgot to bring any essential items to work.

Seemingly i no longer meet friends even to socialize. Meeting my girl is a must, even her, must be frustrated of seeing me only once a week for a movie or window shopping. And it’s usually a saturday, which means we are out on one day out of two rest days in a week. Which equates to only one rest day a week, before work looms around the corner again. Yes, that makes me lethargic as well, mentally and physically. Injuries linger around longer, and the proneness to injury increases, since i no longer am actively excercizing. Crap.

I sleep earlier nowadays too, longer sleeping hours, but i seem more tired than ever. Why.

No longer, do i enjoy little whimsical hobbies like taking photos and blogging. I don’t chat on the phone. I hardly sms friends nowadays as well. All i do each evening nowadays, pushing replies in forums, reading up on my likes and dislikes. I have much on my mind, but yet very little to churn out for this poor blog of mine. I am so many entries due (eg. Toy Convention, Holland trip). Taking photos is now a tedious affair, especially when you have to do post editing and resizing, i put them off for days and then weeks, hopefully it doesn’t turn into months.

Other interests like toy collecting, i hardly make purchases or “hunt” for toys regularly, unlike the past. Everything now becomes tiring. My pay packet isn’t anything to crow about, i owe people money, and i need to cough up sums for my bills as well. So i can’t simply splurge on toys every month, now only getting those i really fancy, and with at least three times thought over before making the purchase. Simply put, the amount of satisfaction and joy is somehow halved eversince.

Some friends diagnosed my condition as “work burnout“. Sounds like an incurable disease. Even taking a week holiday doesn’t seem to get rid of the blues. Is work killing my drive and mojo? I honestly do not know. All i know, i am doing a lot less stuff that i used to enjoy in the past. Perhaps another two years down the road, i might just reconsider this job that i love. Not sure if it’s the job, or the hectic lifestyle of living or some other mindboggling condition.

Right now, as everyone puts it on this island, “carry on slogging” till you can unshackle those rocks on your back. If only…
even writing this entry leaves me mentally drained. Have i become a no-lifer?